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 Fire And Blood-A fantasy Novel (WIP)

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PhoenixFire
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Name: Talrith Storm-Sword
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PostSubject: Fire And Blood-A fantasy Novel (WIP)   Wed Jun 15, 2011 1:37 am

Here's The first Snippet, i will post them in Chapters maybe every week so that anyone with comments won't have to wait the end of it make a suggestion. but anyway, without further ado:


FIRE AND BLOOD



Chapter I


Kaliron awoke to the smell of smoke. The first thought that ran through his sub-conscious mind was that his mother had burned breakfast, again. He groaned as he stretched his arms and ran his fingers through his curly, red hair. They would make him eat it anyway.
Even though his family lived in Taymalh, the city of gold, the richest and most beautiful city ever, he still had to eat whatever was put in front of him, fully charred or not.
He groaned again and looked out the giant window, then he rubbed his eyes and looked again. The sky was still black, tinted with a purple hue, not nearly time for the morning meal, but it was glowing slightly, and every now and then he could see little yellow fiery specks dancing around the window. Kaliron, who had always been fascinated by the night sky, thought this may be some awesome heavenly event. He hurried to the window, a smoky breeze blew in through the open window, he was disappointed when he realized that the glow did not come from above, and horrified to find that it came from the city below. His eyes slowly making their way down from the golden domes and roofs to the golden buildings that supported them, right down to the golden streets that he had walked so many times before. but none of this splendor was what he noticed, for, living there he had grown accustomed to it, but what caught his eye, soaring even above some of the golden spires themselves, were massive yellow Flames!

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And the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision...For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:2-3
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PostSubject: Re: Fire And Blood-A fantasy Novel (WIP)   Sat Jun 25, 2011 8:57 pm

I have a few suggested changes to your story, I thought the idea, and the format of the plot looked great, but in my opinion, some of the word changes needed to be changed to something that made the reader feel more suspense/interest at the begining. (by the way, is there a reason why you did not indent the paragraphs?) Obviously because I do not know the whole story, thus some of the changes dont flow with the rest of it...just ingore them ( for example adding a direction to the window...) I was going to mark my changes in a different color, but then I lost my work affraid (please dont ask how.) and decided it was too much of a hassle.

Kaliron awoke to the peculiar smell of smoke in his house. The first thought that ran through his sub-conscious mind was that his mother had burned breakfast, again. He groaned as he stretched his arms out, and ran his fingers through his curly, red hair. Most likely, she would make him eat it anyway. Even though his family lived in Taymalh, the city of pure gold, the richest and most beautiful city ever to be built by man, he still had to eat whatever was placed in front of him, whether it was fully charred or not.
He groaned again, then looking out the giant window pointing to the (north south east or west), he rubbed his eyes. The sky was still dark, tinted with a purple hue, that told him it was not nearly time for the morning meal, but the sky was softly glowing, and every now and again he could see little yellow fiery specks dancing around the window. Kaliron, who had been fascinated by the night sky for as long as he can remember, thought this may be some tremendous heavenly event. He hurried to the window. A smoky cloud blew in through the open hole. As he looked out of his high window, he saw, to great dismay, the strange light did not come from the heavenly skies above, but instead from the city below! His eyes slowly made their way down from the golden domes and shingled roofs to the golden buildings that supported them, right down to the golden streets that he had walked so many times before. He was too occupied looking for the source for the source of the strange smoky light source, to notice the splendor of the city. living there he had pretty much grown accustomed to it, but what suddenly caught his eye, soaring high above the golden spires themselves, were terrifyingly massive flames!
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PostSubject: Re: Fire And Blood-A fantasy Novel (WIP)   Sat Jun 25, 2011 9:15 pm

Thanks for the feedback!

About the Paragraph indentions, I have them indented on Works, but they do not translate over to here, and I was too lazy to fix them all by hand Rolling Eyes

I like some of you changes, and will definitely consider spicing it up when I return to finish it, But currently I'm set on writing a new story, one that I'm almost, almost done with Smile

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And the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision...For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:2-3
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Name: Talrith Storm-Sword
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Job/Class: Crusader

PostSubject: Re: Fire And Blood-A fantasy Novel (WIP)   Sat Jun 25, 2011 9:17 pm

Ok, it's been a little over a week (Or two!) time for chapter two Twisted Evil Enjoy!

Chapter II

A blood-curdling scream brought Kaliron out of his state of gawking disbelief, and back to the task at hand, waking up from this nightmare! ‘This must be a dream,’ he told himself over and over again, ‘All I need to do is wake up!’ he had heard his brothers once talking about the strange phenomenon of some dreams being entirely based off of something that happens to you in your sleep. why one time when he was nine he dreamed he was falling of an endless cliff, and then awoke to find himself still in the process of falling off his bed! So what could be causing this one? only one way to find out, he grabbed the fleshy part of his upper arm, closed his eyes and pinched! ‘Ouch!’ it stung! He franticly waited for the pain to die away and then pinched himself again, not willing to accept the results, ‘Am I awake yet?’ he cautiously opened one eye. He could still see the monstrous flames outside, he tried again, and again, and yet again to no avail, in despair he tried everything he could, he pinched, slapped, kicked himself, anything he could do to wake up from this nightmare, but it was all in vain. “Come on!” He yelled, tears of pain and frustration running down his cheeks. Then he heard the scream again. the voice sounded like that of his sister. Kaliron, still telling himself this had to be a dream, decided to try to just get through it. ‘if I can’t wake up from this dream, I’ll just have to see how fast I can finish it!’ with that he began marching out of his room and down the hallway. When he got to her door he found it slightly ajar, that was odd, he thought, normally she kept it locked tight as a drum, looked in and saw nothing, he then made his way to his parents room. He would find them all there, he decided, and everything would be ok, He slowly peeked inside and saw, not his father and mother as he expected, but seven huge, ragtag figures, one was holding a torch and barking out orders in a low, gruff voice. Kaliron couldn’t understand what he was saying, but the way he carried himself and the way the others seemed to obey him made Kaliron guess him to be their leader. He slowly, inched his head through the crack, and saw one of the guards standing with his back to the door, he tried to look around the figure for any sight of his family, but he couldn’t see anyone but orcs in the room, his eye was once again attracted to the brand of fire in the leader’s hand, as he tossed it casually on the bed and watched the sheets spring up in a blaze. Then the figures began rifling though the room finding anything that was burnable, whatever they found was heaped on the flames, causing sparks to fly in all directions. Kaliron watched, his anger burning hotter than the all the fires in the city. He withdrew his head and looked down and clenched his fists, ‘There!’ he thought, proud of his two new weapons, and eager to test them out. Without even thinking about it, he took a few steps back and then charged the door, smashing against it with all his might, the door swung inward sending the guard stumbling forward and crashing into some others, Kaliron wasted no time, before any of the others could even draw their weapons, he jumped on the nearest figure, bringing him down and pummeling it’s mottled green and grey face in disgust, these were orcs! he had heard about their savage and violent ways, how they brutally slaughtered anything that pleased them. His oldest brother had fallen in a battle against the orcs, trying to prevent them from attacking the city, but now his death seemed in vain. But Kaliron would not let that happen, with a yell of rage Kaliron recklessly battered the first orc and then turned on another, by the time the slow-witted creatures finally made a move to stop him, four of there number were lying on the ground, blood pouring from their wounds. The remainder started to form a circle that was slowly closing around the feisty young boy. Kaliron saw it too, and wasn’t ready to part with life quite yet, so, as the menacing, scared and hideous faces began to close round about, he began looking for a way of escape. He saw the curtains of his parent’s balcony blowing in the wind, That was it! If he could make it there he could escape! He looked at the ring of orcs, trying to locate the weak link, he found it in a hunchbacked, especially ugly orc with a great oblong head. the creature was attempting to continue closing the circle while also striping everything of value off of one of the fallen orcs. As it fumbled with a leather strap on the rusted chain mail breastplate, Kaliron charged, knocking the orc insensible to the ground with a swift kick to the head, and then sprinted to freedom. As he neared the edge of the balcony, he grasped the golden rail with one hand and, swinging his legs up, vaulted over it. He landed on his neighbors flat roof about a man’s height below, he hoped his landing would not disturb them, and then thought about everything else that had happened this night and decided it wasn’t worth worrying about.
From there he made his way to an even lower roof and then finally to the streets had they lived anywhere else, they would have had to worry about thieves, but until tonight there had been none. He breathed a long, smoke-filled sigh of relief, he had escaped, but his family had not, he had no idea where they were, or if they were even alive? Everywhere frightened people were running, fleeing form the burning villas and palaces and scattering in different directions like confused ants, were his parents somewhere in the terrified masses trying to escape the invaded city? Would he ever see them again? And what about him? What should he do now, or more importantly, Where should he go? The questions flew through his head, bumping into one another and causing him to stop to try to collect himself.
Suddenly, he heard a fierce snarl behind him, and a moment later felt the weight of what seemed like a horse collided with his back! His legs buckled beneath him as he strove to stand upright, but it was too much for him, and he fell to the ground, breathing hard. The orc jumped off him and drew his sword, a cold, wicked-looking blade, Kaliron barely saw the weapon descending upon him in time but managed to role away just as the sword glanced of the golden street where he had been only seconds before. By the time the orc realized that his prey was still breathing, Kaliron was up and running away, with a howl of rage the orc gave pursuit, but was no match for the quick, young lad, and before the orc could reach the end of the street, he was gone, leaving the orc to give up the one-sided chase and find something else to slay.

_________________
And the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision...For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:2-3
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PostSubject: Re: Fire And Blood-A fantasy Novel (WIP)   Sun Jul 03, 2011 2:40 am

Chapter III

Kaliron’s bare foot stuck a rock protruding from the grassy earth. He gave a brief yelp and fell to the ground, grabbing his wounded limb in pain. ‘Ohww! Not again!’
After massaging both his bruised and swelling feet, and wishing he had brought some sandals, he wearily arose and started on again.
He had traveled almost nonstop for two nights, running till he could run no longer, then walking while he built up the strength to brake out in a sprint again. Staying off the roads to avoid being detected by the swarming forces of evil.
The stars were shining brightly overhead, almost as countless as the blades of grass that were trod beneath his feet. As he reached the peak of one of the many hills surrounding Taymalh, he stopped and looked behind him. The flames were still apparent, as they whirled around the city in a fiery dance, creating a glowing aura that completely engulfed it.
As he turned and began once more, he wondered how many more had escaped, he had not met any other survivors and began to fear that he alone had escaped alive. But that was impossible, he had so many friends and knew so many people, they couldn’t all be dead, could they?
As he crested yet another hill he noticed that the stars in front of him had disappeared, blocked by a small grove of trees. The small forest was split by a steep bank where a small stream flowed gently until it ran into the Great Sea.
As he reached the chasm he looked down with dismay, it was far too wide to jump across, and too tall for the solitary boy to climb up once he was down. That left the bridge, the main crossing to the north, he hesitated as he knew it would probably be guarded, or at the very least, watched. ‘There must be another way!’ he thought, but as he walked up and down the bank looking someplace or something he could use to get across, he realized that the bridge was the only way to freedom, so he decided to take the chance.
He tried to move, but his feet wouldn’t cooperate. he wasn’t sure if it was due to his strenuous physical strain, or something else, but something seemed to wrap it’s icy fingers around him and hold him in place! He looked back through the branches in the direction that his town lay, but a large hill obscured his vision. A faint glow told him that it was still ablaze, that was good, while the city still burned the orcs would still stay, drawn to fire as bugs are to a lamp. Soon anyhow, the fire would burn itself out, and when it did, the orcs would begin scavenging the entire area, looking for more things to kill. They were wicked creatures, never satisfied, always wanting more blood, craving it with all their heart, never stopping until all lay dead before them. Taymalh had met it’s fate, but Kaliron still had a fighting chance, that is, if he could get his blasted legs going again!
He looked down to see if anything had latched on to his feet, but there was nothing, no hands reaching from the earth to keep him from moving, no vines that had ensnared him, yet he felt an overbearing weight that locked him in place.
And then he felt it.
A small feeling that someone, or something was close by, and slowly approaching him. His eyes darted around fearfully, trying to find the source of his anxiety, but all he could see was dark forms of trees, as the presence drew nearer, Kaliron could sense an horrifying evil that came with it, his fear turned to panic as he desperately tried to escape. he grasped his foot with his hands and tried to pull his leg up, but it wouldn’t budge. and as the invisible specter came even closer, Kaliron shut his eyes tightly and braced himself for what he knew would be the end. He heard what sounded like a enormous wind rushing around him, but his tensed body felt nothing, And then, as fast it had began, it was gone, he could hear nothing except for the thump as his teetering body fell to the ground. After a few seconds he slowly opened one of his eyes and looked around the world looked different, sort of mixed up, it was then that he discovered he had fallen over, he quickly picked himself up and dusted the dirt off his pants and shirt, ‘What were you doing down there?’ His mind wondered as he looked around him, ‘Or out here?’
Many times he had snuck out during the night to be by himself, but he had never come this far, ‘This is the forest by the bridg---’ he felt his mind quickly shift back to thoughts of home, which, if he had not been thinking about that he would have found it very strange that his mind had switched for him, but since his thoughts were occupied by his family and home, it never occurred to him. ‘I guess it’s about time you headed home, it’ll be mourning before you arrive there now, so you might as well get a move on’ Kaliron agreed, and turned around to begin his journey home, but he had not gone two steps when he heard the whinny of a horse, immediately he was alert, ‘What was that?’
‘Nothing!’
There was a moment of silence, followed by the sound of rapid hoof beats on wood, snarl that turned into a howl, and then a splash, and everything was silent again.
Kaliron’s mind was both skeptical and frantic, ‘All that was nothing?’
‘Yes! It was all NOTHING! Now I think it’s about time for you to head home!’ a vicious battle ensued, Kaliron had never experienced anything like it before, one side of his mind desperately trying to recall some memory that was fading fast, the other demanding that he depart for home, ‘Your parents will be worried about you if your not back by morning.’
‘But if I’m going to be late anyway, what difference does a few more minutes make?’
It went on until he finally decided he would sneak up to the bridge and see what had made the noise, ‘I can stay hidden in the trees and no one will ever see me.’
And so he crept up to where the large wooden bridge was as he approached he dropped down on his hands and knees and crawled to the tree line. Through the low-hanging branches and bushes he could see the four legs of a grey horse, he craned his neck in search of the rider and could just make out the dark form a small distance away, stooping over what looked like a black mass. A small glowing orb hung above the figure, and even though he could only see the back of him, the light shone on the lump and the man’s feet. Kaliron inched forward to get a better view, and was slightly aware that the strife in his mind had abated somewhat, and as he pushed the last low branch out of the way he saw it. For crumpled at the figures feet was the twisted body of an orc.
Kaliron nearly jumped with excitement, this was a friend, or at least the enemy of his enemy! It briefly occurred to him that this might still be an enemy, but there was a little bit of something about this man that seemed good, and after all the evil Kaliron had seen in the past few days it seemed enormous. He stepped out of the forest wall and opened his mouth to speak when the rebellion blew back into his mind with a ferocious intensity, ‘NOOOO!’
It was deafening and Kaliron fell to his knees, grabbing at his head in agony. The figure immediately spun around and in an instant had his sword drawn in one hand and in the other held a staff, the top of it glowing brightly. With it he probed the area, looking for the one who caused the disturbance. “Show yourself!” he ordered in a stern voice that sounded firm, but young. “It’s no use hiding, I can sense your foul presence!” as the light drew nearer, the voice in Kaliron’s head screamed with anger and fear, ‘Get back! Don’t let him find you! Go back to the forest before he sees you!’
And then the light reached him, it’s pale glow spilling over him, reveling a boy crouching, hands over his ears, struggling within himself. The man, when he saw his true adversary, relaxed slightly, and, still alert for any ambushes began to walk over to him.
Kaliron was whimpering softly, the pain and confusion wreaked havoc on his already torn mind, there was no time to run, no where else to hide, no strength to resist, he was at the man’s mercy. the slow rhythmic footsteps drew nearer, and the voice became more frantic, Kaliron realized there was a hand on his shoulder, he looked up into the smiling face of the stranger.
He was a young man, in his mid twenties, with shoulder length brown hair and pleasant countenance. “Wh-Who are you?” he finally stammered.
“My Name is Thyan, servant of Peirin, my Master.” the man’s hand went from Kaliron’s shoulder to his forehead and stayed there for a moment, warmth pulsed from it and helped to clear the turmoil in his mind, “This goes far too deep,” he muttered under his breath, “I do not have the strength to cure something of this magnitude, but my Master…”
He was broken out of thought by the boy struggling to speak, “H-help me!”
“I will, my Master will be able to help you, do you think you can come with me?”
Kaliron said nothing but wearily nodded, he had heard all his mother’s warnings about going with strangers, but his mother was dead and he was close enough. So he let the man pick him up, and with some difficulty mount him on his horse, a beautiful, grey mare. Thyan then easily launched himself up in front of him.
“Hold on to me,” he waited until he felt the small arms wrap around him, then he grabbed the reins with one hand and with he free one stroked the neck of his moon-colored steed, “Come Miannia, take us back to my Master!” The horse obediently crossed the bridge, and then, with no warning, immediately tore off into the night, taking Kaliron on a thrill ride that, to him, seemed anything but thrilling.

_________________
And the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision...For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:2-3
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Character sheet
Name: Talrith Storm-Sword
Race: Matorin
Job/Class: Crusader

PostSubject: Re: Fire And Blood-A fantasy Novel (WIP)   Sat Jul 09, 2011 2:13 pm

Chapter IV


In the city of Taymalh, a celebration like no other was taking place. Only instead of a celebration of peace and prosperity, it was a celebration of death and desolation. Orcs howled and danced victoriously through-out the ruined streets and buildings, shouting their victory chant until the night air was filled with their message. “Baar Roo Sauguum! Baar Roo Sauguum!” “We Will Conquer! We Will Conquer!”
Great bonfires littered the once magnificent golden city, the largest of these was directly in the center of the town. The orcs had labored on this one with purpose, heaping up whatever they could find that they hadn’t already burned, for, it was rumored that something special would happen tonight
The only thing that wasn’t burned was the corpses, they were saved for when the orcs grew hungry, although a few limbs had been held out of the main pile, and some of the orcs now munched on these, anxiously awaiting for the night to grow deeper.
When it reached midnight, a man dressed in a black tunic, emerged and stepped up onto a large gold-covered ruin that sat in front of the fire, so close that any other man would die, but this was not a normal man. His presence was so evil that even the Orcs began to fear, The flames flicked at his back but even they dared not touch him for fear of the repercussions. As he stared at the orcs he bore a smile that his face seemed unused to having, and finally, after a long moment of silence he announced in a loud and cruel voice, “My Brave Warriors, We Are Victorious!”
The Orcs immediately responded with their blood-chilling cry, “Baar Roo Sauguum!”
“You Have Done Your Work Well!”
“Baar Roo Sauguum!”
“In Time, All the Humans Will Receive The Gift Of Death We Send Them!”
“Baar Roo Sauguum!”
“It Saddens Me To Say That One From This Now Glorious City Has Not Yet Accepted Our Gift, And Is Trying To Escape, But Will Not Succeed!”
“Baar Roo Sauguum!”
“For Our Gift Is For All Humanity, And Although They May Postpone The Delivery, They Cannot Deny It Forever!”
“Baar Roo Sauguum!”
“We Will Find Him!”
“Baar Roo Sauguum!”
“We Will Catch Him!”
“Baar Roo Sauguum!”
“And We Will KILL HIM!”
“Baar Roo Sauguum! Baar Roo Sauguum! BAAR ROO SAUGUUM!” the orcs, being so easily whipped up in a frenzy, took no notice of the man as he stepped off the platform and disappeared down an abandoned street.
He walked in silence, surveying the utter destruction that his army had achieved, he smiled to himself as he played the words around in his mind, ‘My army! The army I created!’ Long had he waited for this day to come, for this day marked the beginning of the end of the human race. And after they were gone, he, Lord Dallik, would rule the land of Taymouliion, and with his new Orcs, ready to follow his every order, it would be a reign of fire and blood!
Lord Dallik could not stop the rumble of laughter, dripping with hatred, from escaping him. He had waited for this for so long and now it was within reach, all he would have to do is reach out and seize it.
As he turned another street and was met by a city of tents, housing for the more important non-orc advisors, captains, and elite guard, all whom, unlike the orcs, didn’t prefer sleeping in the dirt.
He made his way though the city within a city, passing tent after tent, all blood-red with a black swerving Serpent in the center, the emblem of Lord Dallik.
Soon, he found the tent he was looking for and walked in, reveling a small man sitting in a chair reading a scroll, his back was turned to the entrance and he didn’t notice him enter.
“Maalgor!”
The little man screamed with fright and the parchment flew from his hands as his chair fell backwards, landing him on the ground in front of his master’s feet. The flying scroll landed in Dallik’s outstretched hand.
Still lying face up, he looked into lord Dallik’s deep red eyes “My lord,” he said in a thin, sandy voice, “how may I serve you?”
Lord Dallik wasted no time on formalities, “Get up!” he commanded.
“Yes my lord, thank you!” As the odd-looking man picked himself up and began dusting himself off, Dallik examined the scroll, ‘Seizing, controlling, and destroying minds.’
“Studying?” he asked, gesturing to the manuscript in his hand.
“Y-yes my lord,” said the small man, still trying to overcome his fright. “We can never learn too much, for, as in all things, learning is the gateway to improving, and to improve is to become more powerful!”
“Yes, yes I have heard the old saying, but tell me, what of our little runaway?”
The small man started fidgeting and stammering “W-well you s- see…”
“You were assigned to stop anyone who tries to escape, am I right?”
“Yes my lord.”
“And I heard that only one escaped from the town, correct?”
“Yes my lord, your orcs were glorious in battle,
“Yes, they did they’re part, but what of you, wizard, have you done yours?”
This brought another round of stuttering and stammering from the little wizard,
“SPEAK!” Dallik boomed. “Where is the one who escaped?
“Gone.” Maalgor barely managed to squeal, and then his hands went to cover his unprotected head.
“WHAT?” Dallik roared, “You incompetent servant, What happened?”
“Sire, I tracked on to his life-force as it neared the bridge, and I had him immobilized and nearly had him marching back here, until somehow he broke free, I don’t know how. Another human presence arrived, and with it came a very mysterious power that rendered my abilities almost useless.”
“Are you telling me,” Dallik spoke each slowly and with emphases, hammering everyone of them into Maalgor’s mind, “That you failed to capture the mind of one solitary child because of some superstitious feeling?”
“But my lord, the power, you should have felt it, I have never seen or felt anything like that before!” Maalgor peeked through his fingers and saw his master, glaring down at him, anger showing all over his face, this was not the time to try to connect this incident to a nemesis from the past “All is not lost, my lord, for I still have the trail to his mind, I can do it again. W-when the power is gone.”
“But he will be expecting it this time!” Dallik picked up the stool that still lay on the ground and hurled it out of the tent. There was a scream as it tore through a nearby tent, leaving a gaping hole in the fabric wall. Maalgor gulped as he saw the look of contempt on his masters face and realized that he was next in line, “My lord, I admit that I have failed to do your wishes, but I have been studying,” he pointed at the scroll in Dallik’s hand. “And believe I can successfully use the trail I created to slowly destroy his mind, if it pleases you I will begin.”
Dallik stopped for a moment, thinking, then slowly, a evil smile crept unto his face and his red eyes flared, as a sea of hatred poured out from his black soul, “Do it!”

_________________
And the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision...For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Habakkuk 2:2-3
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